Alright so today was crazy. In an absolutely great way. Started off really crappy, no sleep, work to do, and the news that my best friend is going to Warped Tour. (I really wanted to go, and planned on going, but due to some difficulties couldn't.)
So I was really bummed, and envied my friend. Anyways, I went to work later on and mowed some old ladies lawn. I earned $20 and later went to Jerry's to get some shampoo. Since my friend Hannah is planning on coming over I bought some Diet Coke. (It's her favorite.) I also bought some air freshener, and was set. When I got home I cleaned, cleaned, and cleaned. Then I went to my phone and got a text from my friend that is going to Warped Tour. After texting for a while we came to the conclusion of me going to Warped Tour with her, and her mom pay! I AM SO EXCITED. So now after planning things, we have a group set for Sunday. (Day of Warped Tour!) I can't wait!!!!!!!!
Anyways, bad start to the day, great end. Now I just have to wait for my friend Hannah to come over. Then tomorrow I go to Rebecca's. (Friend going to Warped Tour.) Then next day WARPED TOUR. My favorite band Escape the Fate is going to play there and I am sooo excited. Craig Mabbitt, here I come.
-The Lonely Girl
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Drowning in Pain.
Alright, lately when I'm not with my boyfriend I just feel super down. I don't really understand. Like, I don't feel like I have a purpose... Then when I'm with him, I am just so content, and never want that time to end. I feel like I'm suffocating, I spent the whole day with him, but now I'm not with him, and can't see him for a whole week because he is off to camp. Nonetheless I feel like nothing is alright.
I just want to cut my life into pieces. Would anyone care if I cut my own breathing? What if I just died... the only person that I know would care is Micah. (My boyfriend.) I know there would be a lot more, or at least, I'd like to think. God, I'm loosing my mind. I know I will be fine, once I live through the night, but...I feel so, so lost. I can't go on living this hell. I just want my mom home! I regret that the most, I use to hate her, I *wanted* her dead, but now that she's gone I hate it! I guess the saying it true, you never appreciate something until it's gone. I hate it. I don't want to go on...
I want to talk to Micah. It's almost sad how obsessed I can be with him. I'm a pretty laid back girlfriend, but I like him so much. (Not love, it's far too soon.) Today I loved just laying in his arms, he was just there. One thing I really love about him is how I can be just out there, and he doesn't even think about invading me. Does that make sense? Well, to put it bluntly, he doesn't want sex. He is saving it fore marriage, it's great. I mean, I'm not a virgin... and come to think of it, I do wish I was now. I didn't care before that I wasn't but he just brings out the good in me. The guys I used to date were a bad influence on me. Either they did drugs, hated God, sex addicted, or just bad. Micah is everything but.
On a brighter note, I think I will fall in love with him. Not anytime soon, God no, but he is just so- amazing. That is honestly the only word I can use to explain him. He makes me speechless, makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes me feel worth something. You get the jest of it. I miss him. I trust him with everything. I don't know what I would do without him right now, we spend almost everyday together, and all my other friends are busy. I live alone, so I am pretty sure I'd be on the verge of suicide again. I hate being alone, I hate it! I can't go on living alone, it really helps seeing him all the time.
Being alone... God some people want it so badly, but I am such a people person! It drives me nuts being alone. I get crabby, and hate things. Stupid things. I feel suffocated and isolated by pain. I get cornered by my fears. It makes me lose my mind. I never really realized how draining it is to be alone. I try to distract myself by reading, or listening to music, or showering, ect. I just can't do it. I cry when I am alone... It's crazy. I get flashbacks from my childhood, watching my mom do my laundry, watching her cook, going to Target with her... I miss it so much! This house gives me so many happy memories, then again, it also haunts me. See, I used to be neglected, and abused sometimes. My mom was a severe alcoholic, and my two older brothers were teens when I was a kid. So they were off, and my mom was either having sex, or just out there drinking, not really caring about me. I always had to go to bed by eight pm, until I was twelve. I would just lay there, hearing my mom yell at nothing, people on the phone, and dumb stuff like that...
I hated her, I wanted her out, and my eighth grade my hatred devoured me. Never mind that, it doesn't matter now. I want to cut... I'm out. (Not going to cut though.)
-The lonely girl.
Day of Happiness
Right now I feel like blogging. I am debating about doing this more often, but I don't know. Anyways, seeing as Micah has my Diary right now I really just want to say what is on my mind. For those who read this, I am guessing you are really close to me. This is going to tell a story of my perfect date. It happened last night, and I realize I have God to thank for that perfect day.
So yesterday Micah and I were planning on hanging out at MOA, no big deal really. Except it was pretty much our first actual date. We usually just hang out, sometimes with an extra friend, but we've never really gone out and just focus on the both of us. It was really nice. I remember waking up to a phone call, kind of crabby that I was woken up. I answer the phone to hear my boyfriends voice. I probably sounded extremely crabby, and he even asked me if I wanted to punch him in the face. It made me laugh, which he seems to make me do a lot. We were talking, when something I don't want to recall happened. Christopher and my mom's guardian came to the house. Just came, unannounced, scared me to death. I had to speak to Christopher, and I was just anxious as can be. Shaking, and scared Micah was just listening me, wishing he could hold me, so he says. Anyway, later Dick drives me to MOA to wait for Micah. After waiting for almost two hours (due to buses and the trains) he finally arrived. Neither of us really had any money, so we just walked around, sat, and were just talking. It was nice.
Eventually, we were both starving and decided to gather our money and get things off the dollar menu at McDonalds. It was nice actually, he said normally he'd be embarrassed by that situation, but he wasn't with me. I felt special then, and I was just content to be alive. Funny thing was, after eating he realized he just spent his bus fair. So we were both stranded at MOA, because I didn't care about the planning, I didn't plan how I would get home. Then seeing as we already saw the whole mall we decided to go to the parking garage.
When we got there, after going on the terrifying elevator, we went to the ledge. It was a beautiful sight, Downtown St. Paul, the cars, the world; I was in awe. I felt like I belonged. We did some spitting, watching the spit just twirl down, being immature. It was great. He held me close, and more. We finally figured out a plan to get home. A friend of my moms pick us up, drop us off at home, get change for his bus fair, then hang out for a while until we thought it would be too late to go on the bus alone.
Eric, my moms friend, picked us up, and when we got home I noticed Dick was at Denise's. I called him, and asked him if I could get Sasha. He said yes, and we all, including Eric, went to Denise's. So then Dick finally met Micah, and we kind of just hung out at Denise's. I messed with Dick, got sprayed by the hose, and it was all good fun. Then Eric, Micah, Sasha, and I went back to my house. Eric offered the idea if I cleaned I could get $5 for food. So, I cleaned. Then when I was done, and Eric left, Micah and I just kind of hung out.
After a bit, we decided it was time to walk to Taco Bell, we originally planned McD's until we realized that Taco Bell is cheaper, and right by McD's. We also brought Sasha, and while walking it was sunset. He decided to call his mom before we left to see if she could just pick him up later. She agreed, and we had time to just goof. Walking there was fun, but when we got there we enjoyed eaves dropping on this group of friends with this one girl whom was drunk. (Not going to mention names, although I knew one of the girls.) We were there for about an hour. When we were walking back, we stopped by this little pond and enjoyed the view together.
Soon we decided to just go to the park right by Lake Cornelia. On our way I realized how dark it was, and i was in love with the night walk we were on. We were getting goofy, and just enjoying the simplicity of life. We ended up going on the dock instead, and laid on the dock. It was amazing, the stars, the lake, the night, him. It was picture perfect for me. Of course, with my luck I started getting sick feeling, so we decided to walk back to my house. On the way, Micah's mom called and told us how she has been waiting on my drive way for ten minutes. We told her we were on the way, and would be there shortly.
We walked in the middle of the street, and I was so happy. There I was, and there he was, together. We were smiling, but yet I was crabby with a tummy ache. I felt free still, despite feeling like upchucking. I felt like that's where I belonged. We got back to the house, and gathered his stuff, and I finally met his mom. Whom was beautiful, might I add. We told her the jest of my living condition, because we wanted her to know the truth. She took it well, at least in my opinion, and then that was it. We hugged goodnight, and he was gone. When he got home we talked a little longer, and then we both went to bed. I will never forget that day. It was perfect.
So yesterday Micah and I were planning on hanging out at MOA, no big deal really. Except it was pretty much our first actual date. We usually just hang out, sometimes with an extra friend, but we've never really gone out and just focus on the both of us. It was really nice. I remember waking up to a phone call, kind of crabby that I was woken up. I answer the phone to hear my boyfriends voice. I probably sounded extremely crabby, and he even asked me if I wanted to punch him in the face. It made me laugh, which he seems to make me do a lot. We were talking, when something I don't want to recall happened. Christopher and my mom's guardian came to the house. Just came, unannounced, scared me to death. I had to speak to Christopher, and I was just anxious as can be. Shaking, and scared Micah was just listening me, wishing he could hold me, so he says. Anyway, later Dick drives me to MOA to wait for Micah. After waiting for almost two hours (due to buses and the trains) he finally arrived. Neither of us really had any money, so we just walked around, sat, and were just talking. It was nice.
Eventually, we were both starving and decided to gather our money and get things off the dollar menu at McDonalds. It was nice actually, he said normally he'd be embarrassed by that situation, but he wasn't with me. I felt special then, and I was just content to be alive. Funny thing was, after eating he realized he just spent his bus fair. So we were both stranded at MOA, because I didn't care about the planning, I didn't plan how I would get home. Then seeing as we already saw the whole mall we decided to go to the parking garage.
When we got there, after going on the terrifying elevator, we went to the ledge. It was a beautiful sight, Downtown St. Paul, the cars, the world; I was in awe. I felt like I belonged. We did some spitting, watching the spit just twirl down, being immature. It was great. He held me close, and more. We finally figured out a plan to get home. A friend of my moms pick us up, drop us off at home, get change for his bus fair, then hang out for a while until we thought it would be too late to go on the bus alone.
Eric, my moms friend, picked us up, and when we got home I noticed Dick was at Denise's. I called him, and asked him if I could get Sasha. He said yes, and we all, including Eric, went to Denise's. So then Dick finally met Micah, and we kind of just hung out at Denise's. I messed with Dick, got sprayed by the hose, and it was all good fun. Then Eric, Micah, Sasha, and I went back to my house. Eric offered the idea if I cleaned I could get $5 for food. So, I cleaned. Then when I was done, and Eric left, Micah and I just kind of hung out.
After a bit, we decided it was time to walk to Taco Bell, we originally planned McD's until we realized that Taco Bell is cheaper, and right by McD's. We also brought Sasha, and while walking it was sunset. He decided to call his mom before we left to see if she could just pick him up later. She agreed, and we had time to just goof. Walking there was fun, but when we got there we enjoyed eaves dropping on this group of friends with this one girl whom was drunk. (Not going to mention names, although I knew one of the girls.) We were there for about an hour. When we were walking back, we stopped by this little pond and enjoyed the view together.
Soon we decided to just go to the park right by Lake Cornelia. On our way I realized how dark it was, and i was in love with the night walk we were on. We were getting goofy, and just enjoying the simplicity of life. We ended up going on the dock instead, and laid on the dock. It was amazing, the stars, the lake, the night, him. It was picture perfect for me. Of course, with my luck I started getting sick feeling, so we decided to walk back to my house. On the way, Micah's mom called and told us how she has been waiting on my drive way for ten minutes. We told her we were on the way, and would be there shortly.
We walked in the middle of the street, and I was so happy. There I was, and there he was, together. We were smiling, but yet I was crabby with a tummy ache. I felt free still, despite feeling like upchucking. I felt like that's where I belonged. We got back to the house, and gathered his stuff, and I finally met his mom. Whom was beautiful, might I add. We told her the jest of my living condition, because we wanted her to know the truth. She took it well, at least in my opinion, and then that was it. We hugged goodnight, and he was gone. When he got home we talked a little longer, and then we both went to bed. I will never forget that day. It was perfect.
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