Drowning in Pain.

Alright, lately when I'm not with my boyfriend I just feel super down. I don't really understand. Like, I don't feel like I have a purpose... Then when I'm with him, I am just so content, and never want that time to end. I feel like I'm suffocating, I spent the whole day with him, but now I'm not with him, and can't see him for a whole week because he is off to camp. Nonetheless I feel like nothing is alright.

I just want to cut my life into pieces. Would anyone care if I cut my own breathing? What if I just died... the only person that I know would care is Micah. (My boyfriend.) I know there would be a lot more, or at least, I'd like to think. God, I'm loosing my mind. I know I will be fine, once I live through the night, but...I feel so, so lost. I can't go on living this hell. I just want my mom home! I regret that the most, I use to hate her, I *wanted* her dead, but now that she's gone I hate it! I guess the saying it true, you never appreciate something until it's gone. I hate it. I don't want to go on...

I want to talk to Micah. It's almost sad how obsessed I can be with him. I'm a pretty laid back girlfriend, but I like him so much. (Not love, it's far too soon.) Today I loved just laying in his arms, he was just there. One thing I really love about him is how I can be just out there, and he doesn't even think about invading me. Does that make sense? Well, to put it bluntly, he doesn't want sex. He is saving it fore marriage, it's great. I mean, I'm not a virgin... and come to think of it, I do wish I was now. I didn't care before that I wasn't but he just brings out the good in me. The guys I used to date were a bad influence on me. Either they did drugs, hated God, sex addicted, or just bad. Micah is everything but.

On a brighter note, I think I will fall in love with him. Not anytime soon, God no, but he is just so- amazing. That is honestly the only word I can use to explain him. He makes me speechless, makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes me feel worth something. You get the jest of it. I miss him. I trust him with everything. I don't know what I would do without him right now, we spend almost everyday together, and all my other friends are busy. I live alone, so I am pretty sure I'd be on the verge of suicide again. I hate being alone, I hate it! I can't go on living alone, it really helps seeing him all the time.

Being alone... God some people want it so badly, but I am such a people person! It drives me nuts being alone. I get crabby, and hate things. Stupid things. I feel suffocated and isolated by pain. I get cornered by my fears. It makes me lose my mind. I never really realized how draining it is to be alone. I try to distract myself by reading, or listening to music, or showering, ect. I just can't do it. I cry when I am alone... It's crazy. I get flashbacks from my childhood, watching my mom do my laundry, watching her cook, going to Target with her... I miss it so much! This house gives me so many happy memories, then again, it also haunts me. See, I used to be neglected, and abused sometimes. My mom was a severe alcoholic, and my two older brothers were teens when I was a kid. So they were off, and my mom was either having sex, or just out there drinking, not really caring about me. I always had to go to bed by eight pm, until I was twelve. I would just lay there, hearing my mom yell at nothing, people on the phone, and dumb stuff like that...

I hated her, I wanted her out, and my eighth grade my hatred devoured me. Never mind that, it doesn't matter now. I want to cut... I'm out. (Not going to cut though.)

-The lonely girl.