Don't Mind Me, I'm Only Dying.

When I die... I want people to know something. It's not them that I was getting away from, it was myself. I got tired of who I was. Trusting easily, heartbreak, and all my flaws were drowning me...

[in alphabetical order]

Andrew Graves:
You were special to me. I liked you since my freshmen year, but you weren't a major part of my life. You were at one point, and then you walked out. I missed you... You said you'd always love me, and would always be there for me... I guess it's just another one of those things... I love you. (as a friend.)

Anna Harper:
Hun, during the summer we got super close. You were there for me like no one else. You helped me deal with boy problems, and I trusted you with secrets. You knew my biggest flaw, but we related. Thanks for being there during that part of my life.

Anna Wittig:
You were another friend of mine. Close, and I really wish you could have seen how close I thought we were... Somethings made me realize that you weren't on the same page though. Oh well. I always admired you and Ryan, you were an adorable couple. I wished I could have found someone like you did. You are so pretty, and so gifted. Thanks for being my friend.

Cait Haeg:
You were possibly my closest friend. I wish you didn't move schools, I missed you as SCL. You were there for me when I needed, and you were the one person that didn't judge me. I felt like I could rely on you. It sucked though, we could never really hang out. I love you hun.

Carl Townsend:
You were the most unexpected egg in the bunch. On the outside you seemed like one person, but once I got to know you, I realized my assumption was wrong. You were so funny. You always seemed to make me laugh. Thanks for all the fun times(, at Target.)

Charlie Pollard:
Wow. You really always made me feel better. I loved how you made me feel. I thought you were the nicest thing when I first met you, and I remember how easily we bonded. You were so crazy, so funny, so deep, so different. You were great to me. Thanks.

Cheyenne Larson:
I know I disappointed you sometimes... I am not perfect. I'm sorry for everything. I love you girl. I'm sorry this happened. Please be strong for me. You meant a lot to me, although I failed to show that to you. I always wished I was you. You were so cute, so fun, so pretty, and you seemed like you had everything together...

Dakotah Welch-Swinney:
Girl. You are deep...you were always there for me. Always made me laugh, but listened when you needed. You were more complex then you appear. We bonded over weird things, and I always thought you were so funny. Even if you made fun of me a lot. You were just a bundle of joy. Thanks for me my friend.

Dan Skoglund:
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I did it. I know you must be so disappointed in me. I just didn't know where to run anymore... I was so sick of running to you, you had your own problems. I am not worth worrying about. Dan. You were my best friend. I loved and trusted you with all I had. Please forgive me.

Diana Marzinske:
My buddy! I love you so much. You are so pretty, so talented, so funny, so caring, so sweet. I trusted you with a lot. I still smile about the possum incident. Oh, and the "mmm spearmint, the flavor of the gods." You brightened up my day, and you were one of my role models. I love you dearly.

Grant Cao:
...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I was in your life to start with. I liked you since we started actually getting to know each other. I never liked someone for that long straight. Sure, it only complicated like everything, but I never regretted one moment of it. I wished that you'd realized that I was what was best for you. She was okay with hurting you, and I was so afraid of hurting you. That's why I let you go where you thought you were meant to be. I wanted you to be happy, and if you thought she made you happier, then I'll suffer. Hun, babe, darling... I didn't do this because of you. Don't think that. Please. It's the last thing I want. I was just so lost, and confused, it was everything put together. Not you alone. I love you.

Hannah Olstad:
Oh Hannah, Hannah, Hannah. You are just the funniest thing ever. I trusted you with all my dirty secrets. You always made me laugh, and always made me feel like a better person. You knew what to say, and weren't afraid of the truth. You helped made me realize who is good for me, and who wasn't. I love you.

Hunter Hoffmann:
Freshmen! Okay, so yeah. I'm not really the coolest junior. I'm a coward. But I really thought you were cool. We related in a way with the whole parent problem. If you consider it a problem. I had a lot of fun getting to know you this year. You are an awesome person! Oh, and an awesome Baritone Sax player. Keep working at it.

Jasmine Gates:
You read me like a book. It was kind of weird, once I opened up, you knew how to read me. You are so smart and so deep. You have secrets, just like we all do. I could never pick up on them either. You are an amazing girl. I'm sorry for being so annoying sometimes. I love you dear.

Jeana Wong:
Best friends for life. I'm sorry. It's just been hard, life, and like everything... This year I just... I couldn't turn to you... Your heart was with your busy life... I couldn't fit in and I'm sorry. I wish things would have played out differently... Just promise me one thing, focus more on your friends. I love you.

Katie Nigg:
Hun, you'll find that boy. The boy that will love you, and you will be able to trust. He's out there, I promise. He's hiding too though. I'm glad we were friends again. It meant a lot to me. I wish one of us could have been able to drive, 'cause I loved hanging out with you. You're a great friend.

Paris Hagen-Baca:
My other half. Literally, we were like opposites, physically and in our interests. Sometimes it made hard to deal with each other, but we loved each other through it all. I love you hun. I know your home life can be hard sometimes, and seeing as you're the oldest, you get a lot of the crap. Just remember our mom loves you. Okay? I love you dearly.

Rio Hagen-Baca:
My sister at heart. We have too much in common. Like your sister, that made it hard to deal with. I loved you no matter what at the end of the day though. I trusted you with things, that I couldn't trust others with. You are a sweet girl, and I know you have a lot of secrets, and you're probably just as troubled as me. Please promise me one thing, find one person you can trust and spill your heart with. I love you girl.

Tracy Blooflat:
I wish we could have seen each other more. Life just throws things in the way. You meant a lot to me, and you did inspire me to try and be a better person. I love you girl, and you were the one person there for me when no one else was. I love you, and your crazy family. (Yes, even Holly.) I remember the day we shoved that huge couch upstairs, and had a blast. I love you hun.

Now...2 people that made life hard to cope with. (Christopher Jessich, and Micah Clipperton. Hate to say it.. but they just were always haunting me, Smothering my thoughts.... I don't like to blame. They aren't to blame. But people should know that I would have been able to deal with things more if it weren't for them. Please don't be mean to them, or cause them more trouble... They aren't worth your effort. They are heartless.)

Sorry for those who didn't make it on my list. It's not that I didn't love you, or you didn't have an impact on my life. It's that I just didn't know what to say to a lot of people. Some people deserve me to say I'm sorry.. I am, but I just can't find the heart to say sorry to everyone. I know I'm a screw up.

Quotes.

It's been a while. Sorry about that, but right now all I'm doing is moving my quotes from my facebook to here. I want them, but not on facebook. There is a reason. Peace.

"You being my girlfriend has greatly boosted my confidence...and is making my head fatter....*points around head* if you know what i mean." -Micah


"Please date him... Please have sex with him... Please let ME have sex with him." -Hannah O.


*watches salad fingers 2 with Lana*
*jeremy fisher freaks out*
"AHHHHHHHH" *major freak out* -Lana


"You are a young ninja at heart" - Jeana

"We can do my mom...WAIT NOOO" -Allison
*5 minutes later*
"OHHHHHH EW" -Cait


"Did Hannah do this?" -
"How the fuck should I know?" *leaves room* -the Germans.


"STOP LOOKING AT ME, YOU'RE MAKING ME HOT." -Jeana

"Whyy would you doo that?" -Kelsey K. Allie J. Scott


"I try not to look at THOSE THINGS!" -Cait.


"Remember, last year how everyone thought Katie and I were lesbians?" -Hailey
"YAYYYYYY" -Katie N.


"I dont get it" -Tracy
"Season four is when House gets his new team"- Jeana
"I know" -Tracy B
"Well this is season three, so SHUT THE FUCK UP" -Jeana


*my leg does the nervous thing*
"Allison, something is wrong with your leg" -Joseph
*leg continues, but i back away from the desk so it doesn't hit it*
"ALLISON! YOUR LEG IS STILL VIBRATING!!!" -Joseph


*pulls out bobby pin from hair, and adjusts it* -Allison
"DID YOU JUST PULL THAT SHIT OUT OF NOWHERE??????" -Michael D (not noticing it was in my hair before)
"Uh no... it was in my hair." -Allison


"ALLISON TOO MUCH BRAIN POWER"- Jeana


"I have this shirt"-Michael D
"Do you?" -Allison
"I am WEARING IT."-Michael D


"Allie- I think you might like this CD" *hands me Underoath* "I put it in my CD player, and it started screaming at me" -Tracy B


"watch out" *pulls out knife* -Allison
"is that a butter knife?" -Jeana


"My little porn star" -Michael D


"You're hurting my virgin eyes."-random kid.


"I said SCOTTISH, then he said SCOTTISH, then i said SCOTTISH, then you said SCOTTISH, then they all said SCOTTISH!!!!!!!" -myself. x]


"OWOWOOWOWOWOWOW"-Cait


"YOU SPELT YOUR NAME WRONG"-Katie N.

Falling for Someone.

Today was great! I woke up and went to see my boyfriend around 2pm. We had a blast! Currently my boyfriend is holding my chin. He is pretty odd, it's great. I love to goof around with him, it amazes me how comfortable I am with him. He has a fever, so I have been taking care of him. I feel like I could do this forever. I am not sure though. Again, it's far too soon to tell, and I don't want to jump ahead of myself, I tend to do this a lot. He is just great though.

Well, right now it's hard to focus with Micah talking to me about this tubing story. So, I will go and blog later. Some time I want to do a really long blog.

-The Lonely Girl

Happy Day.

Today was phenomenal! Started off with working with the kids at Drama Camp and yelling (in the fun way), wiggling around, and just having fun! It was fantastic! The kids loved me, I was just making a fool out of myself the whole time, and wore funny animal costumes, and just made them laugh. I felt so happy. For some reason though, today of all this week, I missed Micah the most. I just wish he could have had the opportunity to do what I did.

Speaking of Micah, I still don't know when he gets back. I am just being driven insane. I am guessing it's going to be Sunday. I think tomorrow I am really going to try and catch up on some sleep. I really need it, I haven't been sleeping well at all. Maybe it's because Micah is gone. I don't know.

Alright, more about my day. Then after camp I got home and hung out with Jeana. (Did I mention we made up?) Afterward, I had to go back to Drama Camp because tonight was the performance. Before the show, I goofed off more, and helped the kids relax. All in all, a great day. I just wish my boyfriend could have seen how much fun I had.

-The Lonely Girl.
P.S. I have the house to myself all weekend. Oh joy. At least Monday I go to school for cheerleading practice.

Bad Mood

Alright, today was a fairly good day. Thing is, I feel like cutting... I am in a terrible mood. I am going to finish laundry, take a shower... then sleep... I might cut.

-The Lonely Girl

Tiring Day.

So today was normal- for this week. I had Drama Camp at a local church, and it was from 9am-12pm. So it was fun. Then I went to see my mom today, and I convinced her again to let me get my lip pierced. So I am excited. I am getting my hair done this weekend, probably, and soon my lip.

Anyways. I don't have much else to say. Night.

-The Lonely Girl

Finding the Way.

Lately everything has been great. I saw Escape the Fate live, and I pretty much shit myself. I was so happy. Then today I was a leader at a Drama Camp and had fun. It's all this week. I really miss Micah, but I wrote him a letter, and I'm mailing it to his camp tomorrow.

Okay, so I am really annoyed. With cats. I HATE them with a burning passion. They bug me to death! The only cat I could tolerate was my cat Zoey, but she died two weeks ago. I've had her since I was five, and she knew when to leave me alone, and when to give me company, and she loved me. The feeling was mutual. We were each others best friends. She got brutally attacked by a German Shepard, knowing her she probably started the fight. Anyway, she had her lungs punctured, and survived surgery, but had a heart attack afterwards. Tear. Anyways, I have two cats right now, and they just make me want to shoot myself. Not literally. They are just whinny, don't leave me alone, fight with each other, and loud, and just obnoxious!!!!!!!!!! They make me so angry.

Oh well. Anyway, just wanted to keep you readers posted. Night.

-The Lonely Girl

Quiet Start

Hey readers!

So today is the day before the Warped Tour! I woke up to a few texts from Micah, and fell back asleep after subconsciously throwing my phone. So now he is gone to someones cabin for the day, and I miss him. Oh well.

So, I've been in bed all morning, and it's about 1pm now. I think I am going to start getting ready to going to Rebecca's. I absolutely cannot wait! I am so excited. I have been listening to Escape the Fate all night. I can't even explain my excitement. I am really bummed Micah can't go, but he is going to Bible Camp, so that's better, I suppose. He will be there with me in my heart, as corny as that is.

Oh goodness. I had the weirdest dream last night, and I want to write it (or in this case type) before I forget it. Alright, so I can't remember how it started, but all I remember is being in this indoor-outside park. (I know that makes no sense, but there were walls, but it was like nature, so I don't know.) Anyways, there was this dog, and this other person and we were just going around this park, when out of nowhere the other person comes up to me and says she found some bones. So I was like "cool, okay." Then when we get to the bones, they looked like some saber tooth tiger's bones. It was sweet. So then the dog goes sniffing around, and as we are looking at the bones, we hear the dog running and barking. When we look we see the dog chasing this baby saber tooth tiger. It was alive. It was nuts! Then we realize that if there is a baby tiger, there has to be two adult tigers. So we freak out, and then I wake up. It was crazy, I don't understand how that is memories put together. (They say that dreams are a bunch of memories put together.) So, that was my crazy dream.

Any who, I am going to continue getting ready. Just thought I would update.

-The Lonely Girl

Bipolar Day.

Alright so today was crazy. In an absolutely great way. Started off really crappy, no sleep, work to do, and the news that my best friend is going to Warped Tour. (I really wanted to go, and planned on going, but due to some difficulties couldn't.)

So I was really bummed, and envied my friend. Anyways, I went to work later on and mowed some old ladies lawn. I earned $20 and later went to Jerry's to get some shampoo. Since my friend Hannah is planning on coming over I bought some Diet Coke. (It's her favorite.) I also bought some air freshener, and was set. When I got home I cleaned, cleaned, and cleaned. Then I went to my phone and got a text from my friend that is going to Warped Tour. After texting for a while we came to the conclusion of me going to Warped Tour with her, and her mom pay! I AM SO EXCITED. So now after planning things, we have a group set for Sunday. (Day of Warped Tour!) I can't wait!!!!!!!!

Anyways, bad start to the day, great end. Now I just have to wait for my friend Hannah to come over. Then tomorrow I go to Rebecca's. (Friend going to Warped Tour.) Then next day WARPED TOUR. My favorite band Escape the Fate is going to play there and I am sooo excited. Craig Mabbitt, here I come.

-The Lonely Girl

Drowning in Pain.

Alright, lately when I'm not with my boyfriend I just feel super down. I don't really understand. Like, I don't feel like I have a purpose... Then when I'm with him, I am just so content, and never want that time to end. I feel like I'm suffocating, I spent the whole day with him, but now I'm not with him, and can't see him for a whole week because he is off to camp. Nonetheless I feel like nothing is alright.

I just want to cut my life into pieces. Would anyone care if I cut my own breathing? What if I just died... the only person that I know would care is Micah. (My boyfriend.) I know there would be a lot more, or at least, I'd like to think. God, I'm loosing my mind. I know I will be fine, once I live through the night, but...I feel so, so lost. I can't go on living this hell. I just want my mom home! I regret that the most, I use to hate her, I *wanted* her dead, but now that she's gone I hate it! I guess the saying it true, you never appreciate something until it's gone. I hate it. I don't want to go on...

I want to talk to Micah. It's almost sad how obsessed I can be with him. I'm a pretty laid back girlfriend, but I like him so much. (Not love, it's far too soon.) Today I loved just laying in his arms, he was just there. One thing I really love about him is how I can be just out there, and he doesn't even think about invading me. Does that make sense? Well, to put it bluntly, he doesn't want sex. He is saving it fore marriage, it's great. I mean, I'm not a virgin... and come to think of it, I do wish I was now. I didn't care before that I wasn't but he just brings out the good in me. The guys I used to date were a bad influence on me. Either they did drugs, hated God, sex addicted, or just bad. Micah is everything but.

On a brighter note, I think I will fall in love with him. Not anytime soon, God no, but he is just so- amazing. That is honestly the only word I can use to explain him. He makes me speechless, makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes me feel worth something. You get the jest of it. I miss him. I trust him with everything. I don't know what I would do without him right now, we spend almost everyday together, and all my other friends are busy. I live alone, so I am pretty sure I'd be on the verge of suicide again. I hate being alone, I hate it! I can't go on living alone, it really helps seeing him all the time.

Being alone... God some people want it so badly, but I am such a people person! It drives me nuts being alone. I get crabby, and hate things. Stupid things. I feel suffocated and isolated by pain. I get cornered by my fears. It makes me lose my mind. I never really realized how draining it is to be alone. I try to distract myself by reading, or listening to music, or showering, ect. I just can't do it. I cry when I am alone... It's crazy. I get flashbacks from my childhood, watching my mom do my laundry, watching her cook, going to Target with her... I miss it so much! This house gives me so many happy memories, then again, it also haunts me. See, I used to be neglected, and abused sometimes. My mom was a severe alcoholic, and my two older brothers were teens when I was a kid. So they were off, and my mom was either having sex, or just out there drinking, not really caring about me. I always had to go to bed by eight pm, until I was twelve. I would just lay there, hearing my mom yell at nothing, people on the phone, and dumb stuff like that...

I hated her, I wanted her out, and my eighth grade my hatred devoured me. Never mind that, it doesn't matter now. I want to cut... I'm out. (Not going to cut though.)

-The lonely girl.

Day of Happiness

Right now I feel like blogging. I am debating about doing this more often, but I don't know. Anyways, seeing as Micah has my Diary right now I really just want to say what is on my mind. For those who read this, I am guessing you are really close to me. This is going to tell a story of my perfect date. It happened last night, and I realize I have God to thank for that perfect day.

So yesterday Micah and I were planning on hanging out at MOA, no big deal really. Except it was pretty much our first actual date. We usually just hang out, sometimes with an extra friend, but we've never really gone out and just focus on the both of us. It was really nice. I remember waking up to a phone call, kind of crabby that I was woken up. I answer the phone to hear my boyfriends voice. I probably sounded extremely crabby, and he even asked me if I wanted to punch him in the face. It made me laugh, which he seems to make me do a lot. We were talking, when something I don't want to recall happened. Christopher and my mom's guardian came to the house. Just came, unannounced, scared me to death. I had to speak to Christopher, and I was just anxious as can be. Shaking, and scared Micah was just listening me, wishing he could hold me, so he says. Anyway, later Dick drives me to MOA to wait for Micah. After waiting for almost two hours (due to buses and the trains) he finally arrived. Neither of us really had any money, so we just walked around, sat, and were just talking. It was nice.

Eventually, we were both starving and decided to gather our money and get things off the dollar menu at McDonalds. It was nice actually, he said normally he'd be embarrassed by that situation, but he wasn't with me. I felt special then, and I was just content to be alive. Funny thing was, after eating he realized he just spent his bus fair. So we were both stranded at MOA, because I didn't care about the planning, I didn't plan how I would get home. Then seeing as we already saw the whole mall we decided to go to the parking garage.

When we got there, after going on the terrifying elevator, we went to the ledge. It was a beautiful sight, Downtown St. Paul, the cars, the world; I was in awe. I felt like I belonged. We did some spitting, watching the spit just twirl down, being immature. It was great. He held me close, and more. We finally figured out a plan to get home. A friend of my moms pick us up, drop us off at home, get change for his bus fair, then hang out for a while until we thought it would be too late to go on the bus alone.

Eric, my moms friend, picked us up, and when we got home I noticed Dick was at Denise's. I called him, and asked him if I could get Sasha. He said yes, and we all, including Eric, went to Denise's. So then Dick finally met Micah, and we kind of just hung out at Denise's. I messed with Dick, got sprayed by the hose, and it was all good fun. Then Eric, Micah, Sasha, and I went back to my house. Eric offered the idea if I cleaned I could get $5 for food. So, I cleaned. Then when I was done, and Eric left, Micah and I just kind of hung out.

After a bit, we decided it was time to walk to Taco Bell, we originally planned McD's until we realized that Taco Bell is cheaper, and right by McD's. We also brought Sasha, and while walking it was sunset. He decided to call his mom before we left to see if she could just pick him up later. She agreed, and we had time to just goof. Walking there was fun, but when we got there we enjoyed eaves dropping on this group of friends with this one girl whom was drunk. (Not going to mention names, although I knew one of the girls.) We were there for about an hour. When we were walking back, we stopped by this little pond and enjoyed the view together.

Soon we decided to just go to the park right by Lake Cornelia. On our way I realized how dark it was, and i was in love with the night walk we were on. We were getting goofy, and just enjoying the simplicity of life. We ended up going on the dock instead, and laid on the dock. It was amazing, the stars, the lake, the night, him. It was picture perfect for me. Of course, with my luck I started getting sick feeling, so we decided to walk back to my house. On the way, Micah's mom called and told us how she has been waiting on my drive way for ten minutes. We told her we were on the way, and would be there shortly.

We walked in the middle of the street, and I was so happy. There I was, and there he was, together. We were smiling, but yet I was crabby with a tummy ache. I felt free still, despite feeling like upchucking. I felt like that's where I belonged. We got back to the house, and gathered his stuff, and I finally met his mom. Whom was beautiful, might I add. We told her the jest of my living condition, because we wanted her to know the truth. She took it well, at least in my opinion, and then that was it. We hugged goodnight, and he was gone. When he got home we talked a little longer, and then we both went to bed. I will never forget that day. It was perfect.